Guest author Sarah Fry, founder of @foodallergiesotg, writes about birthday parties her sons with food allergies have been invited to and how “freaking’ amazing it is when hosts make all the food safe for them. It’s such a gift when it happens. For little kids with food allergies, Birthday Cake is never just Cake. Read for perspective:
Food allergies do take things from us. They have a way of making our lives a little smaller, always proceeding with caution and care.
Birthday parties, in particular, are a big bump in the road when living with food allergies. Maybe more like a mountain in the road when you consider the cookies being brought into class, the fancy allergy-laden cake with Sonic the Hedgehog on top at the pizza place where they have the party, and the party favors or pinata filled with candy.
There are, of course, exceptions. Like when you have amazing friends who go out of their way to offer safe snacks and a cake or special cupcakes that are safe for your kids. Friends who ‘get it’, who go the extra mile to make sure your kids are just one of the bunch — it means the world.
I will never forget when we went to a friend’s birthday party and every single piece of food on the kid’s table was safe for my boys with multiple food allergies. My oldest, Graham, lingered at the table, browsing the options a lot longer than most kids. When he asked me if the cake was ‘safe for him’ I got to say “Yes!”
Watching his face light up was enough to fill my cup for weeks!
But what made me happiest?
It was sitting back and watching him sit with all the kids, care-free, eating everything everyone else was having — even the cake — no pulling out the Tupperware of pre-made sweet treats, no opening a container of a store-bought allergy-friendly treat alternative.
At this particular party, he was All in. All included. All part of the action.
This level of birthday party inclusion is NEVER expected. I never ask anyone to do this. Everyone planning their child’s birthday should be most focused on what will make their child happy. It’s their birthday.
But…
…when someone wants to or can…it’s freaking incredible. And it’s appreciated more than most can imagine.
That level of inclusion is unfortunately as rare as happening upon a top-9 allergen free restaurant on vacation.
At another party, (yeah, we go to a lot of birthday parties!) the birthday cake was off limits, though the host thoughtfully provided allergy-safe snack options.
Knowing what we were walking into, I did what just about every allergy mom does and dug deep into my freezer, hoping it would yield a sweet treat. I was in luck! I found some safe cookie dough buried deep in the freezer and decided I could make him a mini cookie cake.
But sometimes even that is not enough to ward off the tears.
When we got to the party, my son stared through the plastic cover of that store-bought cake decorated with Olaf from Frozen for several minutes.
He whispered to me, “Mommy, I really want this cake. Can I please have some?”
I calmly explained it had milk and eggs in it, both allergens of his. Tears welled in his eyes, but he held it together. So did I, as hard as that was.
He usually drops it there, eats his safe version and moves on. But as he’s getting older, it’s getting harder.
He continued saying things like, “…But look at all that yummy icing.” and “Why can’t the stores make it safe for me?” “I really want some, mommy. Please can I have it?”
I reminded him quietly that at this very same party next year… he may be able to eat a slice. That the proverbial birthday cake is the reason for all of his hard work in his food allergy treatment program. I don’t know if he fully understands and connects that. He’s little. But, I hope deep down he can use it as motivation to keep plugging away at his treatment.
I know I do. It’s the hope that gets me through. Keeps me going.
He ate his personal cookie cake. He liked it and didn’t seem upset for very long.
I had a little cry sesh when I got home. Privately. Then, I moved on too. I have to.
Some might say, “I’m dramatic. It’s just cake.” For those people, maybe it is just cake. But for us, it’s so much more.
I constantly try to remind myself of all the positives – like how Graham has fun at the parties with his friends, and how my sweet friends often text me days ahead of the parties to let me know about safe snacks and cake plans, sometimes with offers of safe cupcakes.
I give myself credit for keeping sweet treats in the freezer that can be baked fresh and decorated, standing in as ‘alt-cake’.
And I pat my husband and myself on the back for staying laser-focused on our boys’ food allergy treatment program — every day — to make it safe for them to at least be around unsafe food for now, hoping one day that “unsafe food” will be food they can eat without worry.
This is a gentle reminder to the food allergy moms out there that it’s ok to be sorry for your child and for yourself every now and then. You’re allowed to be frustrated and mad about your allergy situation. You’re allowed to break down and cry. And it’s even ok to let our kids see our emotions some of the time. But it’s also important to be brave for our kids with food allergies most of the time.
Here’s to handling food allergy life with courage and grace…
…one birthday party at a time.
*Since this article was written, Sarah’s son has been able to clear several of his food allergies through his treatment program, allowing him to finally eat nearly every birthday cake he comes across — safely.
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Through her work, Sarah Fry helps other food allergy moms feel less alone in their daily food allergy struggles in the food allergy parenting trenches. |
| About the Author: Sarah Fry is a mom to two young boys with food allergies. She began her social media account @FoodAllergiesOTG in 2021 to help other food allergy moms feel less alone and to take some of the work out of daily struggles that come with food allergy life. By sharing her ups and downs, her experience managing her son’s food allergy treatment program, and so much more – she has cultivated a supportive community of parents helping each other through the food allergy trenches. Sarah is the host of the podcast EpiPod and is one of the founders of Camp Bumblebee, a food-allergy family camp in Central Texas. Find Sarah on IG (@foodallergiesotg) and on TikTok (@foodallergiesonthego). | |
Image: Courtesy of Sarah Fry