“Kindness can be the greatest gift that you can give a person. Especially when they are not expecting it.”
—Random Acts of Kindness
Maybe because it’s just so unexpected – you never assume, you’re not entitled to it – but when people go out of their way to make sure a social experience is safe for your child with food allergies, you remember it. You hold on to their acts of kindness in your heart and head to sustain you through the times, more often than not, that people unthinkingly exclude your child. When:
- they can’t have the candy from the smashed birthday pinata,
- they can’t open up party favor treats until Mom’s inspected and edited them,
- they can’t eat the surprise cupcakes shared by the team mom after a game,
- they have to dip into their safe snack box at school during a class celebration with food,
- they can’t eat the safe cupcakes you made for an event because they sat next to the cookies (made with eggs) on the table and crumbs travel.
It’s not that you as a parent are not doing everything you can behind the scenes to help your child fully participate, from phone calls and emails to hosting families, to calling bakeries and restaurants and caterers ahead of time to research plans and possibilities for events, even to supplying safe treats and craft supplies for your child’s entire class or team. But sometimes it’s not enough. Food allergies require planning with little flex for spontaneity.
It’s not that families in your child’s ‘village’ are heartless, unkind. They just don’t know unless you proactively wave the food allergy flag to get their attention, educate them, and be very specific when asking for help. And even then, it may be out of their comfort zone given busy, over-full lives..
When my son was little I always baked everything because he was allergic to so many things (peanuts, eggs, all tree nuts, soy, shrimp and green peas.) I became the master of egg substitutes in muffins, cakes, pies, cookies, brownies, quick breads — all made from scratch with love. But, there was a time he wanted an ice cream cake for his birthday from Baskin-Robbins. His friend had one at his birthday party and my son had to eat the treat he’d brought from home which was so not a Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake.
Baskin-Robbins was already our go to ice cream shop in town because the owner, Anna, ‘got’ food allergies. She always bent over backwards to serve up safe ice cream to kids with allergies – washing hands and scoops with hot water and soap, pulling untouched tubs of safe ice cream from the back freezer, opening up new cans of sprinkles, telling us what NOT to order when equipment could not be sanitized properly, training her team how to serve customers with food allergies.
Anna (and her team) always made us feel welcomed, valued, never a burden (even when the line was long.)
With ice cream cake on the brain, I visited Anna when her shop opened, taking advantage of the early morning quiet. I asked her if she could make a safe ice cream cake for my son and reminded her of his long list of allergies. Behind her smile, I could see the wheels turning because the usual ‘cake’ part of the ice cream cake had eggs in it, an obstacle for sure.
Why not make it just with allergy-friendly ice cream, leaving out the ‘cake’ layer?
What flavor? Cookies and cream? Mint chocolate chip?
I wish you could have seen my son’s face light up when he saw that cake ablaze with candles. All thanks to Anna, her willingness to workaround allergy obstacles, the extra care she took with allergy orders, and her heart-full kindness.
I never wanted to burden other people, so here are thoughts I held on to that gave me courage to speak up for my son, and yes, burden others to help me keep him safe:
Speaking up and out is a must.
You are your child’s strongest advocate. And the answer is always ‘no’ if you don’t ask. People in your child’s village will often surprise you with how receptive they can be to requests to keep your child – their child’s friend – safe.
Never assume (and take a breath.)
Never assume friends (and even family) remember all the specifics of your child’s food allergies. They don’t live with them day in and day out like you. Cross contact can be hard to understand. So, embrace the wash, rinse, repeat cycle of explaining your child’s food allergies to keep him included, even if you’ve communicated your child’s needs to a person a gazillion times. Keep a tight rein on your frustration.
Read demeanor. Read body language. Before you trust.
Body language and demeanor speak volumes about a person’s ability [willingness?] to accommodate your child. Trust your gut. If you see a person’s eyes glaze over when you’re making an ask, or they unleash an eye roll when you dive in, they’re probably not processing what you’re trying to tell them. Assume you will need to do legwork behind the scenes to keep your child safe, like packing an alternative snack or staying at the event to keep an eye on your child.
You can always take a pass on events that ‘feel’ too risky, but that doesn’t keep your child ‘included.’ Plus, it could set a precedent* for avoiding future social opportunities instead of using can thinking to figure out how to safely join-in.
*(I know this. I lived this. My son was more comfortable opting-out than joining-in as a teenager when he should have been broadening his horizons. It’s a slippery slope.)
Be grateful.
If someone goes out of their way to include your child, write a thank you note or text, or better yet, have your child write (or draw) a thank you note.
“Forget injuries; never forget kindness.”
—Confucius
Try to let go of the sad when your child is excluded because it can fester, becoming bitterness that weighs you down. Life is too short to wallow in sad. Remember acts of kindness that include your child. Tuck them away in your heart. They’ll give you hope, give you joy.
What has someone done that makes you feel cared about when you ask for allergy-friendly food?
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Empowering people to live more easily & safely with food allergies through technology and education. |
| About the Author: Gayle Rigione is CEO of Allergy Force, the food allergy management app. She’s also an allergy mom. She’s lived the heart stopping moments when her son ate the wrong thing, second guessed reactions and raced to the ER. Her professional and personal experiences fuel her passion for creating tools for people with food allergies. Whatever you do, do it with a full heart. Audentes Fortuna Iuvat | |
Image: Shraga Kopstein on Unsplash