A food allergy parent’s adult son recently explained why he sometimes doesn’t disclose all his allergies to a server when he eats out. The good news for his mom? He’s not just rolling the dice. There’s definitely a method to his madness. The bad news? He’s not sharing vital information that could help him stay safe. Learn more…
“I’ve lost my allergy mom-superpowers to keep him safe.”
This hits home as I try to help my adult son with food allergies in a not-parenting sort of way.
Living 3+ hours away from us my son usually visits for holidays or vacation. When he visits, we’ll go out for dinner at a neighborhood eatery. The last few times we’ve gone out for a meal, he failed to mention 3 of his 5 food allergies to our server.
When did he ‘forget’ the food allergy explanation we modelled for him? Taught him? Practiced with him? For years? The one that explained ALL his allergies?
The first time it happened, I sat in my seat, barely containing the urge to pipe in with the allergies he ‘forgot.’ My son and I communicated intensely in unspoken words with our eyes, his frustrated, mine questioning.
Then he gave me the side-eye, and a nudge under the table to warn “I’ve got this, Mom”.
I stayed silent.
Yes. At 27 he’s definitely “got this.”
But clearly not 100%.
The second time this happened during his visit, I asked him why?
“We don’t know all the ingredients the kitchen uses for their menu items on any given night,” I explained (not calmly), adding “You could have a reaction if a chef doesn’t know about all your allergies.”
What I learned surprised me.
He’s strategic about what and how he communicates to servers when he eats out. His communication choices are thought through, in a nuanced kind of way. It’s not just embarrassment or haste (and definitely not denial) when he fails to mention all of his allergies.
It’s a calculated decision.
This is what he told me:
- I think about the type of restaurant I’m at and whether eggs, peanuts, peas, lentils or chickpeas are likely to be in their dishes. For me, there’s a big difference in allergy risks between a Middle Eastern or Indian or Thai restaurant and a Sushi restaurant or a steakhouse. Risks for me differ by cuisine. If I think a cuisine’s really risky, I just don’t go to a restaurant that offers it. You know I’ve never been to a Chinese restaurant.
- When it’s noisy and busy in a restaurant, I don’t want to burden a server with my long list of allergies. They’re coping with enough. They can barely hear me. I can barely hear them. Anything more than two and you lose them. What’s the point of over-complicating?
- My first priority is communicating my egg and peanut food allergies because they’re the riskiest for me. They’ve sent me to the ER. My pea, chickpea and lentil allergies? Honestly, I’m less concerned about them. They’ve never caused me more than an itchy mouth in 20+ years.
- I keep my orders simple, sticking to plain foods I like – grilled steak or salmon, mashed potatoes, sauteed broccoli, pizza (as long as the crust works) – and I ask how they’re made even if I’m familiar with how they’re generally made.
- Did you even notice that I take a lot of care explaining cross contact risk?
- In calmer restaurants I may explain all five of my allergies. It all depends on the restaurant, the menu options that look good/safe to me, and sometimes, who I’m with.
- Plus I bring my epinephrine.
Hearing this, I try to respect his thought process.
But 2+ decades of ingrained allergy mom habits die hard. I’d prefer him to disclose all of his allergies. Just like I’d prefer him to keep a chef card tucked in his wallet.
I struggle with food allergy not-parenting.
But…
I stay silent.
I give him space and grace.
And save this ‘battle’ for another day.
How do you not-parent your adult ‘child’ with food allergies when you feel some ‘steering’ is needed?
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Empowering people to live more easily & safely with food allergies through technology and education. |
| About the Author: Gayle Rigione is CEO of Allergy Force, the food allergy management app. She’s also an allergy mom. She’s lived the heart stopping moments when her son ate the wrong thing, second guessed reactions and raced to the ER. Her professional and personal experiences fuel her passion for creating tools for people with food allergies. Whatever you do, do it with a full heart. Audentes Fortuna Iuvat | |
Image: Marius Venter on Pexels and Allergy Force on Canva